C is for Family

Another Medication Change

2011-12-14T22:37:00.001-08:00

New new doctor added zoloft and dropped depokote. Calliope's energy level is definitely increased which makes me nervous. Her energy can go from happy to angry in a second. Tonight, the in home therapist had to report to her supervisor because Calliope made a threat to kill her brother. It's her norm, but they have to report. She had gone a week without hitting anyone before tonight. She is enjoying Christmas, mostly for the cookies and candy. :\

Christmas Cards

2011-12-08T10:01:00.001-08:00

I've been getting through each day, and I'm not doing much planning ahead, too tired to do that kind of thinking. We didn't get a picture taken for a Christmas card, and I'd be too tired to address envelopes even if we did have a card to send out. Little girls and I did make gingerbread for a house and cookies. We've got Christmas happening, it's just not as much as like to do. I could use some sleep.

Our Tree is Up, a happy weekend

2011-12-04T22:00:00.001-08:00

We spent time at the camper with my parents eating dinner Friday night. They joined us at the tree farm Saturday afternoon to hunt down a Christmas tree and help us put the huge thing up. Sunday Calliope and Chris worked on making Calliope's scooter shiny black and new looking. And we all enjoyed the first batch of butter cookies in Christmasy shapes! It's so nice to be able to enjoy a weekend.

Can't Hug Every Cat

2011-12-02T21:32:00.001-08:00

…and I'm having a hard time holding or hugging my kids, can't cuddle up with my hubby, my glasses hurt my nose, bra straps hurt my shoulders, and the wound on my shin oozes and sticks to my pants.
My oldest daughter gets mad and uses me as her outlet, her punching bag. The beating I took yesterday was the longest for sure and the most aggressive. She didn't care about allowance, her sisters, her backpack, our neighbors. She yelled obscenities, hit and kicked me with the windows open and while I was holding baby Claire. The little sisters tell her not to yell at mommy, but it doesn't matter to Calliope. When she decides she's mad, it's all over.
Chris showed me how to hold her arms behind her, more like elbows behind, and use my weight to sit us both down. I can hold her that way until she's out of energy. I hope. But I can't care for three scared little kids while I'm holding the oldest.

When She's Gone…

2011-11-26T21:39:00.001-08:00

My parents have been hanging out with Calliope for a couple days and visiting relatives in Bakersfield. Things at home are pretty fun without her, and I hate even thinking that. It's just true.
Little kids play, and there's no one waiting to yell at them. We eat, and there's no one complaining about the meat. We have fun without the anxiety hanging over us. It's great, but it all ends tomorrow morning. She's coming home to get ready for a new school on Monday.

I get jealous

2011-11-20T14:27:00.001-08:00

There's lots of things that I know just can't happen for me, but sometimes I get bummed out about it. I get jealous about someone with a child old enough and responsible enough to watch the little ones while mom runs an errand, gets a shower, gets a nap or does housework or cooking. My 13 year old daughter is NOT that kid.
Other parents get to leave the house without kids, sometimes even for a couple days. I'm stuck at home or dragging kids with me wherever I need to go.
Other couples have regular date nights. I don't recall the last time my husband and I went out. It may have been while we were waiting for our 20 month old child to be born. We have tried a handful times, but things don't work out for whatever reason.
Most families take trips. We can't. Traveling involves too many things that Calliope has a rough time dealing with, so it's not worth it.
Lots of parents enjoy a night at home being a couple because older kids are off at a sleepover. My older one hasn't been invited to anything aside from a birthday party where the whole second grade was invited. She doesn't have friends, so she's home all the time and talking at me.
Go ahead and tell me how great the concert was, how nice dinner out was, how much you enjoyed Disneyland; I don't turn green.

Mommy Guilt Times Four

2011-11-16T14:06:00.001-08:00

I am constantly reminded about what I could or should be doing. Facebook walls with great at home play/therapy ideas, tweets about taking kids to social skills class, blogs about families living gluten-casein-soy free, neighbors taking kids to story time at the library, instagram pics of girls in dance class, texts from well meaning friends and family with something they just read or heard about for treating autistic kids; they all highlight the things I'm not doing, can't afford to do, can't manage to fit it into our life. I'm just one mom and can only do what I can do. Trying every new thing would take incredible amounts of money and take me away from the rest of the family that needs me too.
However much I'd like to do everything to help Calliope, everything to help Cooper, everything to help Clio, everything to help Claire, I'm a mere mortal.

Golf Day for Daddy

2011-11-11T10:03:00.001-08:00

It's a free game for vets at a nice course, so he's going golfing with a friend. Trouble is that I wish I got to go anywhere and do anything with anyone, but I can't. I guess I'm jealous that he gets to be a person while I'm stuck at home being mom, caretaker, housekeeper, cook and smelling like a person that hasn't showered in a couple days.

Collecting Diagnoses

2011-11-10T16:42:00.001-08:00

Calliope came home from the hospital with three new diagnoses and two new prescriptions. The school was still resisting our requests for mental health services. She's missed 10 days of school because of mental health, is failing classes, but she's fine, they say. At the moment she's on the phone with a friend from the hospital, and I'm not sure what to think about that. County mental health is offering the same one hour a week in the office level of service that wasn't enough before. I'm still hoping for something to help Calliope.

What the Little Kids Know

2011-11-05T11:15:00.001-07:00

When things get violent, the little kids are really quick about getting out of the house with me. They know Calliope is having a hard time being a listener and keeping calm. They know the police have to come and talk with her sometimes about being safe.
Now that Calliope is in the hospital, the kids ask about her, and I tell them the truth in very easy to swallow spoonfuls. I'll say that she's with the doctors, and they are taking care of her. She can come home when she's feeling well. But they don't ask much.
The kids have told me they are scared of Big Sissy and they don't want her to come home.

Notifications from school

2011-11-03T21:30:00.001-07:00

Calliope's report card came and showed us her effort in school earned her a 1.1 GPA. She's super smart and failing school; something is very wrong.

Today I get an email and a phone call about Calliope being absent. I had emailed EVERYBODY about her being on a 72 hour hold after the attack Tuesday afternoon. Maybe they forgot.

Then there was the letter that came today about her GPA being so low and the possibility of having to take intensive intervention classes or not being promoted to high school. Oops, I guess I need to remind her to do her homework.

Come on people! Have your computers talk to each other, so you don't make yourselves look like fools.

Overnight at the Hospital

2011-11-02T09:37:00.001-07:00

Calliope took the day off school. She wasn't sick, and I told her that she should go to school. She made the choice to stay home. There were several periods of argument, even yelling at her 3yo sister and breaking her toy. Things got really bad while I was trying to make dinner. She hit the 1yo, and I asked her to cool down in her room. She wouldn't, kept hitting baby Claire, so I picked up the baby, she shoved us into the wall ovens, hurt baby Claire's ankle on the oven handle. The bag of sugar in my hand was used to get her off of us. I got the little kids to get in the car in the garage. They got in their carseats, and Calliope followed us into the garage and kept hitting me. I closed the doors and backed into the driveway then finished the buckles on the little girls.
I called my sister to help me collect my thoughts then called local police to report the crime. They don't like hearing from me. There were no officers available to help us. Still two guys came whining about wasting their time on a kid that just needs discipline. I made it clear that I expected them to do their job; she is behaving criminally, treat her as a criminal. There is no way that threatening me with violence and murder daily is going be be okay. Hitting kids and beating up on mom while kids watch is NOT okay.
Anyhow I called the mental health crisis number and was put in touch with a gentleman that has been understanding and a help to us before. He took her to the mental health crisis hospital. She's still there. They're trying to figure out who is paying and how much before deciding what "care" is appropriate.

Autistics Speak Day

2011-11-01T12:42:00.001-07:00

"Bitch face!"

That is what my daughter needed to call me after I stopped a fight between her (13 years-140 pounds) and her sister (3 years-24 pounds). I didn't get between them soon enough. Clio had told Big Sissy to quit yelling at her mom, don't yell in her room, get out of her room, and Calliope picked up a toy and broke it before she left the little girls' room.

While very verbal and with a fabulous vocabulary, she can't usually use language appropriately. With the competitive thinking of a pre-K or kindergarten kid and the emotional regulation of a two or three year old, the way she speaks causes troubles at home, at school and in the community.

School Dance for Calliope

2011-10-29T10:44:00.001-07:00

Our 1988 beauty queen was called drama queen and totally went with it. She decided that drama queen was funny and took the name on. So, drama queen went to the dance after school.
It was lots of driving for me, but it ended up being worth it. Picked her up from school, came home for an hour, back to school, back home for an hour, off to school to pick her up.
She said it was dark but fun.

Another new therapist, maybe

2011-10-27T20:24:00.001-07:00

The therapist currently assigned to Calliope wanted to see her and me, one hour a week, in her office. The previous arrangement was a therapy team made up of a therapist and a behaviorist working on the same treatment plan a few hours twice a week with in home behavior supports for the dinner through bedtime period that could get violent. So… the change was very disappointing, but I was willing to work the system and wait for things to be added on until the level of treatment was close to Calliope's level of need.

But, I wasn't sure things would build after the therapist told me that therapy won't work, and I need to medicate her. Well, she's on one medication, and that was a tough decision to make. But we did find one medication that curbed her violent impulses and have stayed with that one medicine. I'm not comfortable with adding more, and I'm not at all comfortable with a therapist that sees no hope, no reason to put effort into my child's mental health.

I put in a call to the patient's rights person and got some good information. I called to ask for emergency in home support and a new therapist for Calliope.

It's been a week, and I haven't heard about anything moving forward. Maybe I get to waste more time on the phone.

Calliope at her IEP meeting

2011-10-19T08:44:00.001-07:00

I had invited Calliope to the IEP because she wants to be in control and thinks these meetings are people talking bad about her. I explain that the grown up are trying to figure out what she needs and how we can help her learn. Her idea of school success is very different than mine. Calliope needed to tell the IEP team what she was thinking.
One suggestion was a different class at the far end of the same campus, Opportunity School. Calliope was concerned about missing art and the social times like lunch on the main campus.
She craves social interaction but doesn't have the skills to understand people and build a friendship. I can't be sure there is a way to teach culture to her.
Free and appropriate education is a tall order for Miss Calliope Joy.

Time suck, money suck

2011-10-17T11:32:00.001-07:00

Calliope has an appointment with her mental health therapist today. The therapist that thinks therapy won't work. Anyhow, I've got to find and pay a babysitter for the three other kids for the time I'm with Calliope at her appointment. Naps will be disturbed. Playtime will be missed. Dinner will be late. It's the first of three appointments this week; all for this one child.
The rest of the family gives us so much trying to manage this one high needs kids, but that might be another post.

Back to School

2011-10-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

My poor neglected blog needs updating, so here I sit nursing at keyboard.

Calliope came back from her extended visit with grandparents right before we moved in June. Overall she's happy about the new house, bigger room, bigger closet, and the tv she got for her birthday. We had some summer fun at the beach with visiting family and little day trips around our county. But Calliope chose to sleep through much of it. It was the usual manipulation tactics to get us to wait for her to wake up before we took off to have fun. But I wasn't interested in waiting for the hottest part of the day to start an outing just so we could take a grumpy girl with us. So she missed out on lots of fun. Not that she would have had fun, but there would have been the opportunity.

Back to school time comes, and the anxiety is heavy. She wants everything, and she wants it right now. Our back to school budget was stretched a bit with two kids getting school clothes and supplies, so she did have to wait on some things. But, she was happy with her new book bag, yarn and buttons to make a hat and scarf all matchy, and she did make the best of it in the end.

Since the move, we have had some violence. The police were called by a neighbor after one screamy tantrum. What a crappy way to meet the new neighbors. And I've had to call the police twice because she was attacking me (and the little girls I happened to be holding). Two door handles have been broken, one door, one door frame, but there are no holes in the walls. That's a good thing.

The things that she has a tantrum about are silly and don't make any sense. The one that broke the door handle, door, and door frame was all about going out to get super glue to fix her glasses that were broken in PE at school. She's not even supposed to be wearing them out for PE. LAME! So, I told her that when dad gets home from work, we can go out to get the glue. She tantrummed and demanded that we get the glue, but she didn't change the answer to her demand. She still had to wait until dad got home for me to take her to the store. Yes, she still got her needs met. She fixed her glasses, so they'd be okay for a couple weeks until the new ones came in.

It's hard to explain to others how it works. Yes, with normal kids there are consequences, but that doesn't work for Calliope. Her thinking is so far off that all she knows is what she wants, who can get it for her, and she can use dozens of manipulative tricks to get what she wants. There is no guilt or shame for her behavior or the things she breaks while tantrumming. She believes it is someone else that holds responsibility for making her mad. It's so dumb, but she really believes someone else made the bad things happen.

This weekend was mostly spent in bed because she was sick. But, she was able to eat Sunday night and felt better Monday (a school holiday). Today she went to school with minimal complaining. Any other kid would know that they were late getting into the car, so they'd be late to school. But Calliope doesn't see it. She got in the car late, but her getting to school late (still well before the bell, but later than she likes) was my fault because I didn't drop Cooper off fast enough, didn't drive fast enough, waited for a break in traffic before turning, waited for kids in a crosswalk, or was lazy and didn't wake her up early enough.

How funny is that!? She calls me lazy when I don't do the things she needs to do for herself. Ha ha ha!

Baby Claire finally makes her entrance

2010-04-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

With as much as we did while waiting for baby, this birth story could be very long. But, I'm going to stick to just the day of the birth.

Thursday is my usual day to run the morning carpool to school, but my husband, Chris, took over there. When he got back, we got everyone ready and went to the park. I was having contractions, but that was nothing new. We met a girl in the park that was just one day younger than Clio, so cool! Clio complimented the girl's shoes, and they stared at each other for some time before running off to play. The little girl's cousin was just about Cooper's age, and they played. A mom asked me when I was due, and I told her, "March 1st." She came back with the, "Oh, you poor thing." response that I had heard before. The park got too warm, and we went home for lunch. I pushed Clio in the stroller, and Chris walked with Cooper and his bike. Lunch then naps as usual, I'm sure I slept, too after timing a few contractions that were 8-10 minutes apart.

After school, Chris picked up Calliope, and Erin (one of her at home therapy team) was here for her. I only remember the end of the appointment when Erin was talking with me, and I was trying so hard to pay attention while in labor. I also remember fielding a phone call from my mother in law during a contraction. My thinking got a little fuzzy. Chris and I kept on with the little kids, and I called my parents (staying at a campground nearby) to let them know things were picking up and please be ready.

I wasn't at all hungry for dinner, so I served the family and went to take a bath. After just a few minutes, my water broke in the tub. I texted and yelled for Chris, but he was busy. My concern was the color of the amniotic fluid after going 17 days past the due date. He had seen it before when my water broke in the shower just before Clio was born. Turns out the barely yellow tinge of the fluid was totally okay. I called our midwife to let her know we were ready to roll and contractions were coming about every 7-5 minutes at this point. Around this time, I sent out a mass text to let people know that things were moving.

Chris handled things after dinner as I labored. I did just a bit with the little kids for bedtime and talked to them about how the baby was ready to come out, and I might say 'ow' because it is hard work and sometimes hurts. Our midwife and my parents were here just before the little ones went to bed. Calliope was very excited with all the people and activity. She wanted to help and be praised over and over for the helpful thing she just did. It's more than I can do on a regular day, so my parents took her overnight to the trailer with them. She packed a bag for school the next day and went off with them to have a quiet night full of good sleep.

I was on the bed, mostly on my hands and knees, but I wanted to be higher. Chris and the midwife helped with stacking pillows under my arms to get me higher. There were a few really productive contractions and a few that I had to push with, but it still wasn't right. While it was just Chris and I in the room, I climbed with my hands up the wall to let him to put another pillow under me and had a very pushy contraction. I may have stayed in that position as I pushed and pushed and pushed out baby. Chris answered my question about the baby, and I was surprised we had a girl.

Her cord was still attached to me as I held her and laid back on the stack of pillows to nurse her. More contractions came as my uterus shrank up and the placenta came loose. After a few minutes, our midwife clamped Claire's cord and helped Chris cut it. It ended up messy, and we all laughed. It took an hour, but the placenta finally separated from the uterine wall, and I pushed it out.

After putting Claire in the hammock and weighing her with the fish scale, the midwife and Chris diapered and dressed Claire, and Chris held her while the midwife helped me into the shower. It felt so good to be able to move again, and I shaved my legs in the shower and enjoyed every minute of it. The midwife helped me put on the glamourous postpartum panties with big ol maternity maxi pad in it and helped me dry off and put on my tank top, then she helped me into bed. She cleaned up the bedroom and bathroom, brought me tea, and I held baby Claire as Chris helped her take her gear back to her car. I sent out a text to grandparents and aunts that we had a 9 pound baby girl at 10:14 that night. I may have tweeted it, too. ;)

The babies woke up the next morning and came into bed with us to snuggle with their baby sister. Calliope waited until after school to meet her and kiss her head.

Anxiety over a new baby

2010-02-24T09:14:00.000-08:00

I'm just a few days away from the March 1st due date with our fourth child, and it's so hard to enjoy the thought of a baby in the house.
Everything else going on revolves around Calliope and her needs, then there are the 3.5 year old, and 1.5 year old that are also demanding.
Baby will be staying in our room. The little kids, Cooper and Clio, share a bedroom. Calliope has the larger bedroom, and it just isn't safe for a kid sister to share it with her.
We'll be in close quarters for some time until we are financially able to move into a larger home.
I'm not thinking clearly enough to write it seems.
Mostly I think I'm just wondering how much one mom can do.
I've got Calliope that could take up all my time.
I've got Cooper that could take up all my time.
I've got little Clio that could take up all my time.
Soon, I'll have a newborn that could take up all my time.
Somehow, I've got to take these four full-time jobs and do them all as one person.
I have my doubts.

Our plan is to labor and birth at home, and I just don't know. We got lucky last time with Calliope in school when the birth happened. I hope we get lucky again because I can't deal with her crap while I'm in labor. I won't have the patience or the ability to hold my tongue when she starts her bitching. When I'm not in labor, it's hard.

Triggers for tantrums

2010-02-22T09:43:00.000-08:00

I almost hate to have good days because I know what's coming when the fun ends.

TANTRUM!!!

Saturday was a fun day for all of us; daddy was home, my parents visiting. I was sick and stayed home, but everyone else went to the farmer's market and park for the morning. It's the sort of thing Calliope loves because grandma will listen to every word she has to say about every vendor while grandpa and dad take the little kids to the park to play. After lunch at our house, Calliope went to the trailer at the campground with grandma and grandpa.

The break from Calliope's constant stream of insults, complaining, arguing, questions, threats, bargains, negotiations, and general garbage was lovely! Chris and I got to enjoy our time together while little kids were in bed without the worry of what garbage was coming down the hall next as it normally does for up to two hours after lights out. We spent the next morning at Lowe's getting curtains for our room without her complaints and picking fights with us and the little kids. It was amazingly easy to shop with just a 3 and 1 year old, really!

Chris had been thinking about a carpet steam cleaner for some time and finally bought one. He got to work right away when we got home to clean Calliope's room and give the carpet time to dry before she came home. The yucky spot from a doggie piddle puddle finally came up (spot treatments only made it spread-yuck), and we thought she'd be glad to have it finally gone. It was amazing what came up out of her carpet. GROSS!!!

Then she came back, and things were sort of fine until it was time to get ready for bed. We ignored complaints about dinner; it's normal, and I think she skipped eating. She did her laundry and had some trouble with the follow through putting her clothes away properly. She spent quite a bit of time arguing and threatening us about what she would do to make us let her watch tv before the work was done, and I didn't respond-Chris was busy with little kids' bath. After all that trouble, she put her clothes away and came out to watch 16 and Pregnant with me on the couch. It was the same routine with taking a shower; arguing, complaining, threats, yelling, and she finally just took care of it.

No new holes in our walls, but the tantrum kept rolling after the shower. She had misplaced her hairbrush (AGAIN!!!!) and knew we had been sneaking around and took it from her, so she came out yelling at us about everything she could think of. She lost her tv after that because we weren't enjoying her company, so she got even more mad. She came out and sat on the couch. I turned off the tv and sat silently. She kept up the bitching and threats. I asked her is she cared to keep the things her grandma bought for her at Michael's. When she behaves badly, she loses things, and I told her that I'd take it all. She wanted to keep them and went to her room. PHEW! The yelling continued, but it was further away.

It's the dumbest thing ever the garbage that she does and says. She gets everything she wants for longer than 24 hours, but it ends up that we never do anything nice for her and never listen and never do what she wants. SO DUMB!

The Asperger's Syndrome I sort of get. Change is tough, so the fun-fun-fun is over, and it's hard to change gears into normal 'get ready for bed on a school night' routine. I totally get to be calm and not fuel anxiety over that change. It's the oppositional defiant disorder that seems to cause the train wreck stuff. She wants to push and push and find anything she can to pick a fight over. She looking for the fight and for more drama. I hate it and don't know what to do to settle her down. I actually try to avoid stuff that would be fun for her because I know what's coming when the fun is over and don't want it.

DO NOT WANT!

Paperwork goof and the fallout

2010-02-10T07:55:00.000-08:00

We were finally getting close to the testing we've wanted since 4th grade. Our pediatrician said the school did the sort of evaluations I was asking for, and I'd been asking then pressing the school ever since. So, two years of frustration was about to end when I checked boxes, initialed, signed, then hand delivered the Plan for Assessment forms to the Special Education office.

I thought all was well and was counting the 60 days until the IEP where the findings would be discussed and changes would be made to help Calliope get through her school day, improve her learning, and hopefully help her enjoy learning. But, 23 days into the countdown, I get a letter in the mail from the school psychologist that I initialed one place where I shouldn't have. Oopsie. They needed me to fill out the Plan for Assessment again, and the 60 day count down would start again from the date they have the new form. NO WAY!

Oh, it was devastating. I called our advocate, and he asked me to wait for a call from the head of the SpEd office. That call didn't come, so I called her the next day, explained what happened and offered to do anything to note the error and protect them from any legal trouble they thought could happen, just please don't make my child wait and suffer another three weeks over a tiny error. It took a few days and a few emails from me and our advocate to his contacts, but I did get a letter saying the tests would go on and the original 60 day timeline would stand. PHEW! That was such a relief.

March 5th is the big day now. That is the end of the 60 days, and we'll have the individualized education plan (IEP) meeting.

I've explained it to Calliope as gently as I can. Everyone has a brain, and most brains work pretty much the same way, and kids with that kind of brain putt along in school doing fine. But, when a brain works a different way, grown ups have to figure out how it works and how that brain learns and how to help the kid using that brain to learn and succeed in school. So, all the grown ups are working to figure out Calliope's super smart 11 year old brain and help her learn and enjoy school. If all this works out, and keeps working, I want college to be an option for her.

a visit from Oma

2010-01-12T12:16:00.000-08:00

I'm having incredible physical difficulty with this pregnancy, so I'm not running the house as I would like. Calliope gets worse every week, so running the house at all is more difficult than it should be. Stress and worry keep me from taking care of myself as I know I should. I can't get out for a walk to improve my mood or even just to take the kiddos to the park. My whole life is a runaway train, and I'm along for the ride and inevitable train wreck. I have no control and am powerless to change things.

My husband wants to help, but he just doesn't do much. Dishes, laundry, house cleaning; they all wait until Chris wants to do them, so we run out of everything on a regular basis, and cleaning doesn't usually happen. I know he wants to help, but he won't let me tell him what to do that is helpful. So, he's arranged for his mom to come help.

Over thanksgiving his parents were here, and I was very disappointed to watch her sit in the backyard and play solitaire on her blackberry while I tried to play with the kids. She sat on the couch while I worked in the kitchen or helped Chris with laundry or sat on a kitchen chair. She is just as clueless as he is.

She'll be here today to stay with us for I don't know how many days. I expect to have to entertain her, cook for her, clean up after her, and keep the kids from disturbing her while she plays on her blackberry. So, I am not feeling great about the visit from the 'help Christa with the little kids' angle.

Then there is the terribly embarrassing situation with Calliope. I really don't want to have MIL feeding the beast. Calliope feeds off attention and will keep going as long as anyone will talk with her. My MIL doesn't seem to get this, even after being told several times, several ways. The MIL will go around and around on whatever subject Calliope chooses for however long Calliope wants, letting her perseverate and get more and more upset all the time. We've got her bullshit calendar on the wall, her behavior expectations, the chart with money paid for each chunk of the day, and all the info and phone numbers of the people working with us on her. This is NOT normal and will have to be explained to her at least once. The consequence for Calliope's record length tantrum on Sunday morning was me taking her clothes (I give her things to wear daily-my choice). The consequence for her record sized hole in the wall on Sunday night was completely stripping her room. These things will also have to be explained.

If mental health professionals don't understand the problem or know what to do, my mother in law has no chance of understanding. She's on her way, and it's going to add another layer of stress and worry to my load.

First meeting at school with our advocate, :)

2010-01-08T23:06:00.001-08:00

The day after I had the phone book open looking for educational advocates and ended up looking at attorneys, a social worker gave me the name of an advocate. His business is non profit, so he doesn't have hourly rates, but he does want us to pay expenses, so it isn't going to cost us $150 an hour to have him with us at meetings like her Dr. did! Yippee! That's a relief already. Just talking with him over the phone I got the feeling that he knew what was going on in our family and how the school was avoiding their responsibility to Calliope. Then he made came to one of the school meetings.

We've had these meetings at least monthly since school started, and it's usually the school stringing me along with one thing or another, pushing me to look at her assignments online, reminding me that there are kids with worse behaviors and worse grades, and saying that her problems are at home and not at school. They have put off and stalled and backpedaled on the special education testing-evaluatiion-assesment of her needs, even after I put the request in writing last school year. Sometimes Calliope's Dr. comes with us (and charges per hour) to back us up and add her advice on dealing with Calliope.

This meeting was so different. Our advocate was just super nice, laid back, but I understand his name is known to the school, and I believe it now. The school totally offered up that Calliope was yelling at teachers in class, hostile to adults, is a problem in the classroom and between classes, she even hit a girl the day before the meeting and yelled at the teacher when she asked 'What happened?' The school counselor even suggested that having high test scores and not performing to potential was reason enough to get the testing I've been asking for (since 4th grade!) and been denied. Total turn around from what they had been doing and saying before. Phew!

Our advocate said 'She clearly qualifies' a few times about school services, County Mental Health, and Regional Center services. He told me not to worry about it, and he wants to be at any meeting where Calliope is the topic. I felt such relief knowing we had help. He knows the laws, the terms and jargon, and can talk to these people in their language. They don't have the polite mom to push aside anymore. It's great.

Since I've submitted the forms and questionnaire for the testing, they have 60 calendar days to complete the testing and have an IEP meeting for Calliope. We are going to have news by February 26 about changes for Calliope at school! Of course the changes will be nothing to brag about. My smart girl will be in special ed classes. But it will be better for the teachers and students that don't have to deal with her disrupting their classes and taking her abuse.

Things with county mental health are looking a bit slower. Calliope hasn't seen her regular Dr. since before Christmas, and the Dr. won't see her now that she's been taken up by CMH. So, the first appointment with her new therapist (I don't know if she's a Dr. or not) is Friday morning. Calliope is very upset about missing class, but that is the only appointment we can get next week. She's not been taking her medicine, so I don't know how the next week is going to be; they may see more than they want to see. But, there is a possibility for more intense therapy, in home therapy, and it is all going to be paid for through Medi-Cal because Calliope is lucky enough to have an absent parent and a parent with no income. So, a financial burden has been lifted from us, and all the driving to SLO to see her Dr.s is a thing of the past.

So, there was good news this week. Nice.

We meet Officer LaFrench and Child Welfare Services

2009-12-21T23:19:00.000-08:00

It was a Monday holiday for something or other, so Calliope was home with Cooper and Clio and me. She was doing her usual grumbling about everything being all wrong when Cooper got in her way. She picked him up by his wrists and threw him down on the tile floor.

I screamed at her that she cannot hurt the little ones and told her to go to her room. She was going there anyway, so she kept on to her room. I held Cooper and checked on him, cuddled with him, then called the County Mental Health Crisis number recommended by the Dr. we see every Friday. We were told that if Calliope was hurting herself or others or threatening to do harm, they could come in to take Calliope to their facility for evaluation. I explained what went on and got lip from the guy on the phone. She's 11-you're bigger-just handle it.

As is her norm, she kept opening the door, shouting things at us, coming down the hall to yell at us, and I went down the hall to yell at her. Yes, my intention was to yell. She had just done something that could have really hurt one of my babies, and I was mad.

So, I yelled and told her she cannot hurt the babies. She is not allowed to come out of her room again. I was aggressive with her for sure, and, in better circumstances, I wouldn't have been. It wasn't right. But after calling everyone that is supposed to help and getting nothing, I had to handle it the best way I could.

Calling the police and mental health people and getting passed off and told by each to call the other, I was frustrated and had no one to help me. The police finally came out, and the idiot officer didn't even look at Cooper, just went down the hall to talk with Calliope. She told her story (yes, it's all stories with her), and did her manipulation, and the officer left.

Shortly, we got a call from the Child Welfare Services, and we had a visit with them, too. They seemed to listen to me about my daughter's disability and illness, and were amazed that I'd called everyone everywhere and gotten nothing to help her. At least some understanding and sympathy was coming from these people, even if they had no help to offer. But they saw that the officer's recommendation to take all three kids out of the home and jail me as a child abuser was way off base, ridiculous really. In any other house, Calliope might not have even survived to age 11.

So, it's all the same, only I've had to waste time on Services Affirming Family Empowerment (SAFE) meetings about our family. Every month, for at least an hour, I have to make arrangements for babysitting for the little ones and sit in a meeting about how fucked up my kid is. There are no services, no affirmation, no family, no empowerment; it is not helpful. It does get expensive because one of Calliope's Dr.s goes, too. But, she keeps the school from lying and running me around which is their norm.

This week is another SAFE meeting, and I'm going to ask what the point is. Because I really don't see that it's helping at all.

Lowering Expectations

2009-11-16T08:52:00.000-08:00

I'm still sorting out what our reality is, but I am trying to make peace with what it is not. We aren't a whole and functioning family. There's Calliope over here, and we can't disturb her or make demands on her time or ask her to participate in the family without a high risk of her yelling/screaming/tantruming. Over here we have the little kids; Cooper is very physical and takes lots of supervision, Clio is a new walker and wants to love everyone. I would love to bring them all together to do family stuff, but, if it works, it's only for a short moment.

The last outing for the whole family I remember was just to a hardware store and lunch after, and the nasty words coming from Calliope just bring me down, wear me out, drain my energy and emotion. Of course there were moments where the kids were all doing their thing and being fine, just moments. But it isn't anything like what I expect from MY kids.

Mothers are promised that if we bring up our children with love, patience, and kind words, they will grow into loving, patient, and kind people. That is what Calliope should have grown into. I did the work, and I've been denied my reward. Where is my loving child?

So, I'm lowering expectations. Instead of love and hugs and kisses, and girl time, I'll take no hitting, no name calling, no screaming, and no property damage.

Grandparents in Town

2009-11-04T13:18:00.000-08:00

For typical families, grandparents in town would be great news, great fun, and a relief for parents. For us, it's added work, added stress. My parents, especially my mom, are in the 'you just need to' school of thought. We just need to do this, do that, stop doing this other thing, whatever! So, they don't understand, and they don't want to be around our family. They think we are bad parents.

They stopped in on the first afternoon in town, stayed less than an hour, but it was a nice visit. It was a good opportunity to see the damage Calliope has done to the house, and the lists on the wall relating to desired behaviors and personal hygiene that we pay for. Yes, we pay Calliope to shower and not hit people; I don't like it either. Cooper got to show off his room and his costume. Clio showed off her walking skills and general cuteness. It was a few days before we heard from them again.

For the week and a half they were here, we had two dinners out, one dinner at our home, one hour at the park with the little ones while Calliope and I were at a Dr. appointment, one late morning/lunch, and they did accept Calliope's request to have a sleepover at the campground with the grandparents. She was not invited; she had to ask. It could be that my parents just want the vacation here, not a visit, and that is why they made little effort to spend time with us; I did the great majority of calling, inviting, planning. Maybe it's really uncomfortable for them to see the decline in Calliope's attitude, outlook, behavior, while she is in this young woman's body. I know it's hard for me to see.

Whatever the reason, my mom has made it clear that she won't babysit, and that I need to do everything differently, do it her way. But, they left today, and they are traveling again. So, there will be one less set of judgmental people looking at us.

How we became all Cs and an Aspie

2009-10-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

I'm Christa and was single with my first baby, named Calliope, later met and married Chris, had a Cooper, then a Clio.

Over the years, I've always had concerns and struggled with Calliope's behaviors. I felt I was a good parent, even had strangers stop me on the street and in stores to compliment me, and I just kept doing what the books, magazines, and other parents suggested and expected things to get better.

After being dismissed by teachers, doctors, counselors, a principal, a school psychologist, other mothers, and relatives, I still knew something wasn't right and kept looking for help. They all made excuses for her; she's so young still, she has a single parent, she just moved, she misses you when you're at work, she's competing for your attention now that you're dating, she has a step dad to adjust to, she has a new baby brother, her hormones are starting early, and on and on with excuses for her behavior. I was aggressively denied membership to a special needs support group I sought help from. I requested from the school over and over, finally IN WRITING that my daughter's needs be assessed and was ignored. There was no one left to call, no one left to talk to, no one left to seek help from.

The counselor my husband and I were seeing to help us with the issues of raising this blended family with a high needs child didn't think it was anything like ODD or ASD. But, after he met with her twice, he reconsidered. He suggested a psychologist that specializes in autism, and we made our fist call to Julie Daggett.

After testing, Calliope was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. That diagnosis on top of major depression and gifted intelligence diagnosed earlier. So, we had a name for our problem, and it felt awful. I knew that with a real diagnosis the school couldn't ignore us anymore. I thought that with a real diagnosis the places that couldn't help before would have things to offer. So far, the first year of middle school is a mixed bag, and the community support is zero.

I feel as if I've been shouting from the rooftops for two years now, "I'm doing all I can do and need HELP!" No one can hear me.

My main goal is and was respite care, just to get a break and have fun alone, with hubby, or with just the little kids, but there is no way to get that break.

Unannounced Visit

2009-10-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

We were having a slow morning; missed Cooper's speech class, put bath mats in the washer, ate oatmeal and watched Curious George. Yesterday, we ran out of milk, and I couldn't summon the energy to shop after bedtime, so we were going to the store today.

Because he wakes up soaking wet, Adam got dressed before breakfast. Cooper wears a shirt and underwear to bed and to breakfast. After breakfast, I got Clio dressed. Then the doorbell rang. It was the Child Welfare Services woman, Alicia, that we had met before, and we invited her in.

She let me know that Calliope's autism specialist psychologist had concerns about Calliope's emotional needs not being met at home. I don't even know what those needs are, so, yeah, I'm probably not meeting them. She said that before visiting me, she had visited with Calliope at school and got the same nasty treatment that she gives us at home. So, at least it isn't just us. Too bad, but still nice that she hates everyone, not just her family. Alicia is wonderfully understanding and says she sees no problems with me and the younger kids, but we are both worried about my pregnancy with all the stress I'm not coping with. She did explain the three options for moving forward with Calliope.

We can keep doing what we've been doing; dealing the best we can with her behaviors and including her (when she's being safe) with family times. I can ask CWS to handle her because I can't meet her needs and her behaviors are a danger to the rest of the family, then she'd go to a foster home until that family realizes they can't handle her, then to another place. The last one is where the CWS come in to take Calliope from us if there is abuse. Since there isn't a place for kids like Calliope, where she can learn how to be Aspie and manage her behaviors, we're going to keep managing at home.

Alicia says I'm great with the little kids, and that is a relief, but I can't help but worry. Officer Idiot started this whole thing because she wanted me charged and all the kids taken away. It is on my mind everyday. She's working to destroy my family, my life, and I can only wait.

We said our good byes, see ya laters, and everyone waved as Alicia left. Then we cleaned up the toys dumped out during her visit, put pants and shoes on Cooper, and I packed the kids up to go grocery shopping.