When She's Gone…

My parents have been hanging out with Calliope for a couple days and visiting relatives in Bakersfield. Things at home are pretty fun without her, and I hate even thinking that. It's just true.
Little kids play, and there's no one waiting to yell at them. We eat, and there's no one complaining about the meat. We have fun without the anxiety hanging over us. It's great, but it all ends tomorrow morning. She's coming home to get ready for a new school on Monday.

I get jealous

There's lots of things that I know just can't happen for me, but sometimes I get bummed out about it. I get jealous about someone with a child old enough and responsible enough to watch the little ones while mom runs an errand, gets a shower, gets a nap or does housework or cooking. My 13 year old daughter is NOT that kid.
Other parents get to leave the house without kids, sometimes even for a couple days. I'm stuck at home or dragging kids with me wherever I need to go.
Other couples have regular date nights. I don't recall the last time my husband and I went out. It may have been while we were waiting for our 20 month old child to be born. We have tried a handful times, but things don't work out for whatever reason.
Most families take trips. We can't. Traveling involves too many things that Calliope has a rough time dealing with, so it's not worth it.
Lots of parents enjoy a night at home being a couple because older kids are off at a sleepover. My older one hasn't been invited to anything aside from a birthday party where the whole second grade was invited. She doesn't have friends, so she's home all the time and talking at me.
Go ahead and tell me how great the concert was, how nice dinner out was, how much you enjoyed Disneyland; I don't turn green.

Mommy Guilt Times Four

I am constantly reminded about what I could or should be doing. Facebook walls with great at home play/therapy ideas, tweets about taking kids to social skills class, blogs about families living gluten-casein-soy free, neighbors taking kids to story time at the library, instagram pics of girls in dance class, texts from well meaning friends and family with something they just read or heard about for treating autistic kids; they all highlight the things I'm not doing, can't afford to do, can't manage to fit it into our life. I'm just one mom and can only do what I can do. Trying every new thing would take incredible amounts of money and take me away from the rest of the family that needs me too.
However much I'd like to do everything to help Calliope, everything to help Cooper, everything to help Clio, everything to help Claire, I'm a mere mortal.

Golf Day for Daddy

It's a free game for vets at a nice course, so he's going golfing with a friend. Trouble is that I wish I got to go anywhere and do anything with anyone, but I can't. I guess I'm jealous that he gets to be a person while I'm stuck at home being mom, caretaker, housekeeper, cook and smelling like a person that hasn't showered in a couple days.

Collecting Diagnoses

Calliope came home from the hospital with three new diagnoses and two new prescriptions. The school was still resisting our requests for mental health services. She's missed 10 days of school because of mental health, is failing classes, but she's fine, they say. At the moment she's on the phone with a friend from the hospital, and I'm not sure what to think about that. County mental health is offering the same one hour a week in the office level of service that wasn't enough before. I'm still hoping for something to help Calliope.

What the Little Kids Know

When things get violent, the little kids are really quick about getting out of the house with me. They know Calliope is having a hard time being a listener and keeping calm. They know the police have to come and talk with her sometimes about being safe.
Now that Calliope is in the hospital, the kids ask about her, and I tell them the truth in very easy to swallow spoonfuls. I'll say that she's with the doctors, and they are taking care of her. She can come home when she's feeling well. But they don't ask much.
The kids have told me they are scared of Big Sissy and they don't want her to come home.

Notifications from school

Calliope's report card came and showed us her effort in school earned her a 1.1 GPA. She's super smart and failing school; something is very wrong.

Today I get an email and a phone call about Calliope being absent. I had emailed EVERYBODY about her being on a 72 hour hold after the attack Tuesday afternoon. Maybe they forgot.

Then there was the letter that came today about her GPA being so low and the possibility of having to take intensive intervention classes or not being promoted to high school. Oops, I guess I need to remind her to do her homework.

Come on people! Have your computers talk to each other, so you don't make yourselves look like fools.

Overnight at the Hospital

Calliope took the day off school. She wasn't sick, and I told her that she should go to school. She made the choice to stay home. There were several periods of argument, even yelling at her 3yo sister and breaking her toy. Things got really bad while I was trying to make dinner. She hit the 1yo, and I asked her to cool down in her room. She wouldn't, kept hitting baby Claire, so I picked up the baby, she shoved us into the wall ovens, hurt baby Claire's ankle on the oven handle. The bag of sugar in my hand was used to get her off of us. I got the little kids to get in the car in the garage. They got in their carseats, and Calliope followed us into the garage and kept hitting me. I closed the doors and backed into the driveway then finished the buckles on the little girls.
I called my sister to help me collect my thoughts then called local police to report the crime. They don't like hearing from me. There were no officers available to help us. Still two guys came whining about wasting their time on a kid that just needs discipline. I made it clear that I expected them to do their job; she is behaving criminally, treat her as a criminal. There is no way that threatening me with violence and murder daily is going be be okay. Hitting kids and beating up on mom while kids watch is NOT okay.
Anyhow I called the mental health crisis number and was put in touch with a gentleman that has been understanding and a help to us before. He took her to the mental health crisis hospital. She's still there. They're trying to figure out who is paying and how much before deciding what "care" is appropriate.

Autistics Speak Day

"Bitch face!"

That is what my daughter needed to call me after I stopped a fight between her (13 years-140 pounds) and her sister (3 years-24 pounds). I didn't get between them soon enough. Clio had told Big Sissy to quit yelling at her mom, don't yell in her room, get out of her room, and Calliope picked up a toy and broke it before she left the little girls' room.

While very verbal and with a fabulous vocabulary, she can't usually use language appropriately. With the competitive thinking of a pre-K or kindergarten kid and the emotional regulation of a two or three year old, the way she speaks causes troubles at home, at school and in the community.