Another Medication Change

New new doctor added zoloft and dropped depokote. Calliope's energy level is definitely increased which makes me nervous. Her energy can go from happy to angry in a second. Tonight, the in home therapist had to report to her supervisor because Calliope made a threat to kill her brother. It's her norm, but they have to report. She had gone a week without hitting anyone before tonight. She is enjoying Christmas, mostly for the cookies and candy. :\

Christmas Cards

I've been getting through each day, and I'm not doing much planning ahead, too tired to do that kind of thinking. We didn't get a picture taken for a Christmas card, and I'd be too tired to address envelopes even if we did have a card to send out. Little girls and I did make gingerbread for a house and cookies. We've got Christmas happening, it's just not as much as like to do. I could use some sleep.

Our Tree is Up, a happy weekend

We spent time at the camper with my parents eating dinner Friday night. They joined us at the tree farm Saturday afternoon to hunt down a Christmas tree and help us put the huge thing up. Sunday Calliope and Chris worked on making Calliope's scooter shiny black and new looking. And we all enjoyed the first batch of butter cookies in Christmasy shapes! It's so nice to be able to enjoy a weekend.

Can't Hug Every Cat

…and I'm having a hard time holding or hugging my kids, can't cuddle up with my hubby, my glasses hurt my nose, bra straps hurt my shoulders, and the wound on my shin oozes and sticks to my pants.
My oldest daughter gets mad and uses me as her outlet, her punching bag. The beating I took yesterday was the longest for sure and the most aggressive. She didn't care about allowance, her sisters, her backpack, our neighbors. She yelled obscenities, hit and kicked me with the windows open and while I was holding baby Claire. The little sisters tell her not to yell at mommy, but it doesn't matter to Calliope. When she decides she's mad, it's all over.
Chris showed me how to hold her arms behind her, more like elbows behind, and use my weight to sit us both down. I can hold her that way until she's out of energy. I hope. But I can't care for three scared little kids while I'm holding the oldest.

When She's Gone…

My parents have been hanging out with Calliope for a couple days and visiting relatives in Bakersfield. Things at home are pretty fun without her, and I hate even thinking that. It's just true.
Little kids play, and there's no one waiting to yell at them. We eat, and there's no one complaining about the meat. We have fun without the anxiety hanging over us. It's great, but it all ends tomorrow morning. She's coming home to get ready for a new school on Monday.

I get jealous

There's lots of things that I know just can't happen for me, but sometimes I get bummed out about it. I get jealous about someone with a child old enough and responsible enough to watch the little ones while mom runs an errand, gets a shower, gets a nap or does housework or cooking. My 13 year old daughter is NOT that kid.
Other parents get to leave the house without kids, sometimes even for a couple days. I'm stuck at home or dragging kids with me wherever I need to go.
Other couples have regular date nights. I don't recall the last time my husband and I went out. It may have been while we were waiting for our 20 month old child to be born. We have tried a handful times, but things don't work out for whatever reason.
Most families take trips. We can't. Traveling involves too many things that Calliope has a rough time dealing with, so it's not worth it.
Lots of parents enjoy a night at home being a couple because older kids are off at a sleepover. My older one hasn't been invited to anything aside from a birthday party where the whole second grade was invited. She doesn't have friends, so she's home all the time and talking at me.
Go ahead and tell me how great the concert was, how nice dinner out was, how much you enjoyed Disneyland; I don't turn green.

Mommy Guilt Times Four

I am constantly reminded about what I could or should be doing. Facebook walls with great at home play/therapy ideas, tweets about taking kids to social skills class, blogs about families living gluten-casein-soy free, neighbors taking kids to story time at the library, instagram pics of girls in dance class, texts from well meaning friends and family with something they just read or heard about for treating autistic kids; they all highlight the things I'm not doing, can't afford to do, can't manage to fit it into our life. I'm just one mom and can only do what I can do. Trying every new thing would take incredible amounts of money and take me away from the rest of the family that needs me too.
However much I'd like to do everything to help Calliope, everything to help Cooper, everything to help Clio, everything to help Claire, I'm a mere mortal.